I didn't received any message from little Xin until late that night.
Ding--Ding--
It was my PC notification.
Some time later, I checked my phone. It was a message from Xin:
We are done. I can't endure five days of withdrawal anymore. So this is where we seperate. Thanks for your company over the last year.
I was stunned. I'd never imagined he would be the one to break up with me.
I threw on my pants and went straight to Xin's place.
When I reached downstairs, 我鼻子一酸，眼里含泪，接着眼泪又如潮水退去。
When I opened the door, the apartment was empty. I walked towards the bedroom, pushed the door open, and saw him lying on the bed-upset drained and sorrowful. At that moment, I hated myself. Why did I have to be so cold to him? 眼泪刷的一下，落下来，一滴一滴，止不住的往下流，我哽咽地问道：这些天你过得怎么样？
He didn't answer. 我又道，"去沙发上聊一聊吧？”
我等了片刻，坐到沙发左边，他在右侧坐下。In the past, he would 依偎在我身上. Now he kept a deliberate distance. I didn't know how to begin. I just stared ahead. 眼泪汹涌而出. He said softly, "不是说聊一聊吗？"
I finally let everything poured out.
"That night, I had a rash all over my back. I asked you to help me check it, and you mocked me-'take more showers, man'. I know 那原本只是一个joke. But the timing was wrong. 我知道我没有你那么爱干净，但我有在改了。和其他男人相比，我还算爱干净吧，只是你更爱干净，以至于到了可能有洁癖的地步，你知道一个人为什么不爱干净吗，有可能是因为抑郁了，原本整齐的家里变得乱糟糟的，家里堆满垃圾.
"That's why I hated the way you mocked me.
"And before that，you hesitated when I asked you to go to the hospital with me. I never hesitated when you needed me. I didn't know why...."
He suddenly interrupted me, 静静道：“我讨厌这张沙发，我在这张沙发上哭过无数次。”
我的心忽然难过起来，我摩挲着他的肩膀，哭道：“Why did you never told me?”
“那天，”他语气微弱，仿佛说不出完整的一句话，“我去你家找你，你不在，去医院了。然后——我打电话给你，我从来没有，没有听过你，那么冷漠的语气。”“那么”两字格外用力。我侧望着他泪珠掉了下来，起身拿了一包抽纸，放他腿上，“就好像，好像我们是陌生人一样。我们以前——每次吵架，都是晚上吵完，第二天就当作没发生，就过去了，但那天晚上，你来我家，一句话不说，然后走了。”小新继续道，“你之前美国的那位，那个博士，你当时跟我说，他冷暴力了你三天，你受不了了，然后把他删了。——然后，你就把他对你的方式，转到我的身上来。”
小新的话，如一记轰雷，让我幡然醒悟——过去我说的话，又起效了。无论是哪种关系，你在前一段关系中受过的伤，会变成下一段关系的利剑。我让小春走的那天，那时的场景，我对她的态度，不正和当时那个外国人气冲冲将我移出群聊是一样的吗？我不敢再细想下去，有多少莫比乌斯环般的关系。
I thought 我们只是互相不理对方，做着自己的事，可我突然回忆起当年，破晓将我冷落一旁时我有多痛苦。时至今日，我仍记得，他宁愿发一条动态，也不愿回我消息。我突然愧疚起来，又道，“我在等你找我。”
“我也在等你找我。”
……
当两人的情绪抒发完毕后，我准备和他聊聊之前的坎，他道：“我要睡觉了，快两点了，我明天还要加班，6点半得起床。”
“那你赶紧去洗澡吧。”
“你——在这睡吗？”
“你先去洗吧。”我平和道。